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Please Father Christmas/Santa/St Nick/Kris Kringle/Papa Noel or whatever name you wish to be known by, can I have Matt Stevens for Christmas this year?
Not only is he rather nice to look at and nice and beefy, but he's also a pretty good rugby player and looks like he would be ideal for cuddling up on the sofa with!
If you could get him wrapped up and under my Christmas tree on Christmas morning, I'd be incredibly grateful. I'm sure I could think of a way to explain the sudden appearance of a burly young man in my living room to my son - luckily at his age, he's pretty open minded and of course, Mummy can do no wrong!
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Let's face it - I'm not exactly your typical rugby union fan and I'm not one for standing out in the cold, so I'm sure that I could be a more than adequate girlfriend to Mr Stevens. I can't be doing with the media spotlight and I'm quite willing to move to Bath! And the odd trip to South Africa to visit his family would be fine with me as well. Of course, I could do with a little help persuading him that an older, single mum is good life partner material! But if Gary Numan can marry one of his fans, then surely there must be hope!
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I'm not after his money... I've learnt over the years that money really isn't that important. So, please put in a good word for me Santa and perhaps I might actually find something under my tree that I want this year! I don't normally ask for much for Christmas but there's only so many bizarrely mushy dreams I can have completely out of the blue about someone I've never met and am hardly likely to ever meet! But if you have any influence with Cupid as a fellow Legendary Figure, please can you ask him to help out a bit. Let's face it, I could do with some luck in affairs of the heart - haven't exactly had it all that good up til now, have I!
Well, Santa, that's what I'd like for Christmas this year. Thank you for reading my letter and I shall leave out the requisite glass of sherry (will Moniack Castle Mead do? I don't have any sherry) and mince pies on Christmas Eve for your delectation.
Of course, if you can't get me Matt Stevens, then I'm sure I could be consoled by a Terry's Chocolate Orange.