I haven't smoked for months and now I just want a fag more than anything. This bad day has just got worse and now it's hit rock bottom. Why aren't corner shops open after 10pm? I can't go all the way to Tescos for a pack of ciggies. It's so bloody frustrating!
I should have known really when the day didn't start off well. I woke up having dreamt that my ex, Sefton, hadn't just dumped me and wanted a divorce, he'd got back together with his ex-wife and found out he had a child with her who he loved more than our son Aston because this other boy was blond haired and blue eyed like he wanted Aston to be and Aston has brown eyes. Consequently, I woke up feeling totally miserable and got Aston out of bed only to have him come over and stroke my arm and say "It's alright Mummy" cuz I was sitting with tears rolling down my face.
I've felt pretty spaced out all day (I did yesterday too) and I have no idea what's causing it. I suppose I should have known better than to text Sefton and tell him that I still love him and I miss him and could we talk about things. I should have left well alone, for my own sanity. But in my usual inimitable style, I made a total balls up of my life so why would I start to do things differently now. I sent him another text this evening saying that as I hadn't had a reply, I assumed that he was either ignoring me, confused or feels nothing. And then I do get a reply saying 'I feel nothing it's over i have moved on with my life' and 'sorry not interested stop sending me texts like that' and that just broke me.
I just wish he'd tell me the real reason our marriage broke down so I know if it's a problem I need to assess or not. I wanna know if he blames me or not. Maybe then, I'll be able to move on.
If I didn't have a beautiful, loving son to take care of, I'd have emptied my medicine cabinet down my throat by now.
(Don't worry, I'll be fine in the morning! Honest!)
- ► 2009 (16)
- I'm a stay at home mum (yes it IS a non-profit industry - I've never had a penny for doing it and I don't know any mums who have!) to Aston who's 2 years old. I have 2 pet rabbits - Malcolm and Jimmy. I'm seperated from my husband and now live back in my hometown of Sheerness, Isle of Sheppey, Kent UK. I have also lived in London and West Sussex so I've knocked about the South East of England a bit! I'm a pagan and am inspired by natural things and love anything that's not been tampered with too much. I love watching rugby and football and my fave teams are Bath Rugby (cuz Matt Stevens plays for them! lol) and Fulham FC.