Friday, 21 November 2008

My life sucks and I want a cigarette!

I haven't smoked for months and now I just want a fag more than anything. This bad day has just got worse and now it's hit rock bottom. Why aren't corner shops open after 10pm? I can't go all the way to Tescos for a pack of ciggies. It's so bloody frustrating!

I should have known really when the day didn't start off well. I woke up having dreamt that my ex, Sefton, hadn't just dumped me and wanted a divorce, he'd got back together with his ex-wife and found out he had a child with her who he loved more than our son Aston because this other boy was blond haired and blue eyed like he wanted Aston to be and Aston has brown eyes. Consequently, I woke up feeling totally miserable and got Aston out of bed only to have him come over and stroke my arm and say "It's alright Mummy" cuz I was sitting with tears rolling down my face.

I've felt pretty spaced out all day (I did yesterday too) and I have no idea what's causing it. I suppose I should have known better than to text Sefton and tell him that I still love him and I miss him and could we talk about things. I should have left well alone, for my own sanity. But in my usual inimitable style, I made a total balls up of my life so why would I start to do things differently now. I sent him another text this evening saying that as I hadn't had a reply, I assumed that he was either ignoring me, confused or feels nothing. And then I do get a reply saying 'I feel nothing it's over i have moved on with my life' and 'sorry not interested stop sending me texts like that' and that just broke me.

I just wish he'd tell me the real reason our marriage broke down so I know if it's a problem I need to assess or not. I wanna know if he blames me or not. Maybe then, I'll be able to move on.

If I didn't have a beautiful, loving son to take care of, I'd have emptied my medicine cabinet down my throat by now.

(Don't worry, I'll be fine in the morning! Honest!)


Monty said...

Aw hunny I'm sending you a cyber-cuddle. I am not in your position but I have had horrible gut-wrenching break-ups in the past and i know how they can obliterate all sense of good and kindness in the world. I also know that no matter how many post-mortems of said relationships I went through I never EVER got anything useful from them as i was too close and both parties were too hurt and time is needed for us to learn lessons.
You know what you need and somewhere a little voice inside is reciting it all to you and, believe me, it is not telling you to keep pining for your ex. I know you have rougher days than most and we on the forum are there to cheer you up and you have the choir and Aston for 'real company'. You have already come a long way and you know that really. Please do yourself the favour that you deserve and stop texting your ex. You are strongr than this, we all know it, please believe in yourself and your power to get through this...
And ciggies after this long just make you sick. Trust me on that one too... X

Sheila said...

awh I'm so sorry that you feel really bad, I know what it is like (divorce+breakups)and all the shite feelings that go along with them too, but please believe me life does get better, and all you have to do is look at your son Aston and that should prove it to you and as for the texting stop texting your ex, it will do no good for you well being, been there, done that, I could write a book on it....
You are in my thoughts and prayers

Sam said...

Hi Sweetie,

Been there, done that, felt like crap! Stop txting him hun, it's not going to get you anything but more pain. You need to focus on you and Aston now.

I haven't smoked for months either - yay us! - but I know that feeling when the craving just grabs ya! I console myself with the fact that at least I don't stink like an ashtray and my kids and cats want to cuddle me more since I stopped!


About Me

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I'm a stay at home mum (yes it IS a non-profit industry - I've never had a penny for doing it and I don't know any mums who have!) to Aston who's 2 years old. I have 2 pet rabbits - Malcolm and Jimmy. I'm seperated from my husband and now live back in my hometown of Sheerness, Isle of Sheppey, Kent UK. I have also lived in London and West Sussex so I've knocked about the South East of England a bit! I'm a pagan and am inspired by natural things and love anything that's not been tampered with too much. I love watching rugby and football and my fave teams are Bath Rugby (cuz Matt Stevens plays for them! lol) and Fulham FC.